It’s all very strangely beautiful, the way humans are. I’m not sure I even know how to put it into words. It’s just, we all have stories, have intimate connections or even connections of little depth like someone you smile at in the halls or hug every day or have inside jokes with. Our lives are so unimportant and irrelevant to the whole world but, i think, so so precious. You can make people feel differently. you can make people’s LIVES better. You can do anything you want as a matter of fact. Write, play music, sing, make art, be an actor or a model, be a contortionist or a dancer. Nearly every person is truly capable. I was talking to this man who was doing my henna and we were talking about his life and what instruments he played and he said “Well I play the guitar, not well, but I would always say 'I’m trying to learn the guitar' but I’ve decided to stop saying that I’m trying and just learn, so now I carry it everywhere I go and play when I can” and just, you can DO that. It’s such bs when people claim they can’t do certain things because really, that usually just means you’ve given up. Maybe that man will never play the guitar that well. Maybe he won't put in enough dedication or have enough motivation to carry through with it. But dude he's doing it and he wants to and it brings him joy. There’s so much to do in this world that I can’t imagine someone being so stagnant and never trying to learn any skills. There’s too much to learn. There will always be more.
I wrote this while in Thailand. It was monsooning. Pretty self explanatory.
It pours and pours and pours
Like the sky is sad
Rain makes rivers out of roads
and creeks out of footpaths
- June 21 2018
I think about how the world is stupid and uninteresting all the time. That’s why I love fantasy books so much because its a whole other world and everything is interesting and done for a reason and for a purpose. Humans now rarely do anything for a reason. We just go to school but not to learn just to get As all so we can go into debt to go to a great college and apply to stupid jobs that never gave a crap about where your college degree came from anyways and work for the rest of your life to provide for your family and never do anything important.
I HATE it.
It makes me sick and frustrated and hopeless.
But until I figure out what I want to do, what makes me happy and fulfilled, I need a backup plan. And school is my backup plan.
Love is found in very many things. In favorite books and movies and places and people. I think that different people have different levels of love in their heart and that their love is divided up like candy in a chocolate box or files in a cabinet to dedicate to a passion or to themselves or others. I feel also sometimes that we all have infinite love and we choose to contain it. I know,, science. i know,, serotonin and dopamine but bear w me. I think we all have the capacity to love everything. Wake up and love our rooms and our kitchen table and the breakfast we eat and our parents who made our coffee and the car we drive to school and the hallways where we see our friends and even the classes we have and the sports we do and so on and so on. I think we all have that ability and that capacity. No one really thinks like that though. We are too busy being stressed and overworked and tired, and I relate, those are facts, so I won’t dwell on that. But it never ceases to amaze me and kinda make me grin that we really can just love everything and sometimes I just wanna hug the entire world.
Body image is so, so complicated. There is an ideal for guys and an ideal for girls. Guys should be tall and muscular. Girls should be thick but with flat stomachs and tone bodies. I feel like if we don’t have some of these aspects we spend all our time obsessing over how to make up for them. I dislike my body. I don’t like how my butt or my hips look. I don’t like the lil bit of stomach fat I have. I don’t like how skinny my arms are. I don’t like how small my chest is. I could go on forever. If I tell my friends this they'll usually say "No Jay your body is so nice" and somehow that literally makes no difference to me. But everyone is desired by someone. Everyone is desirable in even small ways. I think it’s so hard to focus on small things because the other things are so much bigger. But like man, there’s this part in a movie I watched, Eat, Pray, Love, where this woman was in Italy with her friend and they were about to have pizza and her friend goes “no no I won’t have any, I've gone up a size in jeans”. And the woman kind of looks at her and goes “when you go to bed with a man, and you take your clothes off, has he ever asked you to leave?” and the friend's like “well no” and the woman says “we are in Italy. In this most famous pizza place ever. You are going to eat this pizza. And then we are going to go jean shopping for bigger pants.” And the friend picks up the pizza and eats it, whatever whatever. But that’s one of my favorite scenes because I dunno if you think about it you might never fully love how you look. Too skinny, too fat, too tall, or too short. But jesus christ don’t let it stop you from doing the things you want. It’s such a waste of time. Wear the crop top or the tight shirt if you like it. Eat the pizza or the dark chocolate caramel squares you stash in your room. Do what makes u happy. Someone wants you, some person will always want you. You are not measured in your fat cell count or how skinny your bird arms are. Just accept that you are what you are.
I want to be more than what I am. I want bigger aspirations I want to touch people that I can’t see and I want to do something that means something.
I like to discuss the meaning of life with Tali because she, without fail, tells me that there is no meaning. We live and we die and it’s that simple. The people who remember us will die too, eventually we will all die and there will no longer be a way for our names to live on. I know she is correct. Does it even matter what you do, who you love, who you touch? Those people will die and so will you and then you are forgotten anyways.
I know all of this and yet it doesn’t matter to me. I still want more. I still want to do things that don't matter that no one will remember because, to reiterate, we’re all gonna die so why not? I want to do more than I am capable of. I want to be bigger and mean more.
Our whole society is based off of school then a job to support the family you’re inevitably going to have then retirement and grandchildren and I hope you can get fat and happy and maybe travel until your bones give out and you need a diaper again and then you’re put into a home until you die.
I don’t want those commitments. I don’t want a boring, monotonous office job. Then again, I’m not talented enough to be an actress or an artist or an author or a model or a public speaker. I probably could go to law school. I could be a lawyer or a journalist maybe. But oh my god, screw that. I can’t imagine. I would never be content. I don’t know what to do with my life and normally that bothers me but right now i’m okay with the chaos. I don’t need to know. We are all gonna die anyways, right?
I decided yesterday to try and make March an excellent and happy month but I'm already stumbling. I butted heads a little bit with one of my friends today and it put me in a bad mood. But also we're doing events today in track and then I'm going to Petland and to get sushi so really I need to focus on the positive. So here's a couple pictures of things that make me happy :)
This blog post will take on a slightly lighter tone than the last, but it is something I am also passionate about. Crime shows. I am obsessed with crime. I love NCIS and CSI and Criminal Minds and Buzzfeed Unsolved. I used to want to be an FBI agent. Honestly I might still want to be an FBI agent. Who knows, anything can happen. We have a break this coming week and I plan to spend nearly every day watching Buzzfeed Unsolved videos. I watched this one about a girl who actually might've been possessed by a demon. She was German and she spoke in this terrifying growl and if you've ever heard German spoken in a growling tone, nothing else seems anywhere near as terrifying after hearing it. I do love the language though. Of course, I am German and I speak it, so I'm inherently biased. Anyways, I would definitely recommend Buzzfeed Unsolved, please watch it, but not at 1 am because it is just as terrifying as it is riveting and you don't want to be afraid to leave your bed to go brush your teeth because you're afraid the Cleveland Torso Murderer is hiding under it. Just a tip.
I am afraid of change. However, I also embrace change. I do not like losing friends but I love gaining new ones. I don't particularly want to get a job, but I look forward to obtaining more independence (and spending money). It's mildly paradoxical, but alas, a part of life.
Recently, I joined track to help myself stay active and to exhibit to myself that I could commit to something. I went to conditioning and now I go to practice. Every day I am apprehensive for it but every day I go. Every time we sprint 400m's I think I might not be able to do any more, and then I do more. I fully comprehend that I am not even close to the skill level of the others. Yesterday I was one of the slowest. Today I may still be one of the slowest, but I'm still trying and I know I can get better. I used to quit every time things got hard. In track we are not offered that option. It has taught me a lot in these few weeks.
Moral of the story is; embrace newness. Welcome challenges and unsureness and pain. That will open the door to allow in new opportunities and happiness and self-assurance.
We love them. Or, I'll rephrase, almost everyone loves them. Teachers, not so much. My AP Psych teacher just texted us saying that she was praying for school tomorrow. I guess she loves her job. Anyways, back to the point, snow days are the highlight of the winter season. Snow (IN GEORGIA!!!), hot chocolate, a warm fire, and most importantly; no school. Unfortunately, I'm spending both of my snow days doing homework and catching up on school but it doesn't bother me all that much. It's astounding how much more relaxed I am when I have 12 hours to do my homework and not 3. Here's to the snow days and many more! *clinks coffee or hot coco mugs*
Whats your favorite thing about snow days?