"Pretty" is so subjective. When people tell me I'm pretty I always think why? What makes a person appealing? I don't know how much of it is about symmetry because my face definitely isn't symmetrical. I may be considered beautiful and someone who looks entirely different may also. What makes someone attractive. A feature, their face as a whole? Why are some appealing and others not? Don't give me "everyone sees beauty differently" because that's only true to an extent. A person can be considered ugly or beautiful by a majority. What makes someone think one way or the other? What are the standards?
I have a list in my notes titled "good things :)" and whenever I feel good or something that makes me happy occurs, I note it in there. It's me trying to be more positive and grateful. I have a lot happening in my life right now, and I don't feel super great and content but every little light in my life matters.
Okay, just me or was October not spooky at all and lasted 8 years? Not a fun time, but thats okay. I don't think Halloween has ever been my favorite season. There weren't even a lot of trick-or-treaters. What makes Halloween so special?
As I get older I'm becoming more and more like my mom, but in good ways. She does comforting motherly things and now I do them all the time. I think it's nice. I still have an even spread of my mom and dad with me but I feel like it's very true that you grow into your parents mold when you grow older.
It’s all very strangely beautiful, the way humans are. I’m not sure I even know how to put it into words. It’s just, we all have stories, have intimate connections or even connections of little depth like someone you smile at in the halls or hug every day or have inside jokes with. Our lives are so unimportant and irrelevant to the whole world but, i think, so so precious. You can make people feel differently. you can make people’s LIVES better. You can do anything you want as a matter of fact. Write, play music, sing, make art, be an actor or a model, be a contortionist or a dancer. Nearly every person is truly capable. I was talking to this man who was doing my henna and we were talking about his life and what instruments he played and he said “Well I play the guitar, not well, but I would always say 'I’m trying to learn the guitar' but I’ve decided to stop saying that I’m trying and just learn, so now I carry it everywhere I go and play when I can” and just, you can DO that. It’s such bs when people claim they can’t do certain things because really, that usually just means you’ve given up. Maybe that man will never play the guitar that well. Maybe he won't put in enough dedication or have enough motivation to carry through with it. But dude he's doing it and he wants to and it brings him joy. There’s so much to do in this world that I can’t imagine someone being so stagnant and never trying to learn any skills. There’s too much to learn. There will always be more.
I wrote this while in Thailand. It was monsooning. Pretty self explanatory.
It pours and pours and pours
Like the sky is sad
Rain makes rivers out of roads
and creeks out of footpaths
- June 21 2018
I think about how the world is stupid and uninteresting all the time. That’s why I love fantasy books so much because its a whole other world and everything is interesting and done for a reason and for a purpose. Humans now rarely do anything for a reason. We just go to school but not to learn just to get As all so we can go into debt to go to a great college and apply to stupid jobs that never gave a crap about where your college degree came from anyways and work for the rest of your life to provide for your family and never do anything important.
I HATE it.
It makes me sick and frustrated and hopeless.
But until I figure out what I want to do, what makes me happy and fulfilled, I need a backup plan. And school is my backup plan.
Love is found in very many things. In favorite books and movies and places and people. I think that different people have different levels of love in their heart and that their love is divided up like candy in a chocolate box or files in a cabinet to dedicate to a passion or to themselves or others. I feel also sometimes that we all have infinite love and we choose to contain it. I know,, science. i know,, serotonin and dopamine but bear w me. I think we all have the capacity to love everything. Wake up and love our rooms and our kitchen table and the breakfast we eat and our parents who made our coffee and the car we drive to school and the hallways where we see our friends and even the classes we have and the sports we do and so on and so on. I think we all have that ability and that capacity. No one really thinks like that though. We are too busy being stressed and overworked and tired, and I relate, those are facts, so I won’t dwell on that. But it never ceases to amaze me and kinda make me grin that we really can just love everything and sometimes I just wanna hug the entire world.
Body image is so, so complicated. There is an ideal for guys and an ideal for girls. Guys should be tall and muscular. Girls should be thick but with flat stomachs and tone bodies. I feel like if we don’t have some of these aspects we spend all our time obsessing over how to make up for them. I dislike my body. I don’t like how my butt or my hips look. I don’t like the lil bit of stomach fat I have. I don’t like how skinny my arms are. I don’t like how small my chest is. I could go on forever. If I tell my friends this they'll usually say "No Jay your body is so nice" and somehow that literally makes no difference to me. But everyone is desired by someone. Everyone is desirable in even small ways. I think it’s so hard to focus on small things because the other things are so much bigger. But like man, there’s this part in a movie I watched, Eat, Pray, Love, where this woman was in Italy with her friend and they were about to have pizza and her friend goes “no no I won’t have any, I've gone up a size in jeans”. And the woman kind of looks at her and goes “when you go to bed with a man, and you take your clothes off, has he ever asked you to leave?” and the friend's like “well no” and the woman says “we are in Italy. In this most famous pizza place ever. You are going to eat this pizza. And then we are going to go jean shopping for bigger pants.” And the friend picks up the pizza and eats it, whatever whatever. But that’s one of my favorite scenes because I dunno if you think about it you might never fully love how you look. Too skinny, too fat, too tall, or too short. But jesus christ don’t let it stop you from doing the things you want. It’s such a waste of time. Wear the crop top or the tight shirt if you like it. Eat the pizza or the dark chocolate caramel squares you stash in your room. Do what makes u happy. Someone wants you, some person will always want you. You are not measured in your fat cell count or how skinny your bird arms are. Just accept that you are what you are.