Body image is so, so complicated. There is an ideal for guys and an ideal for girls. Guys should be tall and muscular. Girls should be thick but with flat stomachs and tone bodies. I feel like if we don’t have some of these aspects we spend all our time obsessing over how to make up for them. I dislike my body. I don’t like how my butt or my hips look. I don’t like the lil bit of stomach fat I have. I don’t like how skinny my arms are. I don’t like how small my chest is. I could go on forever. If I tell my friends this they'll usually say "No Jay your body is so nice" and somehow that literally makes no difference to me. But everyone is desired by someone. Everyone is desirable in even small ways. I think it’s so hard to focus on small things because the other things are so much bigger. But like man, there’s this part in a movie I watched, Eat, Pray, Love, where this woman was in Italy with her friend and they were about to have pizza and her friend goes “no no I won’t have any, I've gone up a size in jeans”. And the woman kind of looks at her and goes “when you go to bed with a man, and you take your clothes off, has he ever asked you to leave?” and the friend's like “well no” and the woman says “we are in Italy. In this most famous pizza place ever. You are going to eat this pizza. And then we are going to go jean shopping for bigger pants.” And the friend picks up the pizza and eats it, whatever whatever. But that’s one of my favorite scenes because I dunno if you think about it you might never fully love how you look. Too skinny, too fat, too tall, or too short. But jesus christ don’t let it stop you from doing the things you want. It’s such a waste of time. Wear the crop top or the tight shirt if you like it. Eat the pizza or the dark chocolate caramel squares you stash in your room. Do what makes u happy. Someone wants you, some person will always want you. You are not measured in your fat cell count or how skinny your bird arms are. Just accept that you are what you are.
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I want to be more than what I am. I want bigger aspirations I want to touch people that I can’t see and I want to do something that means something.
I like to discuss the meaning of life with Tali because she, without fail, tells me that there is no meaning. We live and we die and it’s that simple. The people who remember us will die too, eventually we will all die and there will no longer be a way for our names to live on. I know she is correct. Does it even matter what you do, who you love, who you touch? Those people will die and so will you and then you are forgotten anyways. I know all of this and yet it doesn’t matter to me. I still want more. I still want to do things that don't matter that no one will remember because, to reiterate, we’re all gonna die so why not? I want to do more than I am capable of. I want to be bigger and mean more. Our whole society is based off of school then a job to support the family you’re inevitably going to have then retirement and grandchildren and I hope you can get fat and happy and maybe travel until your bones give out and you need a diaper again and then you’re put into a home until you die. I don’t want those commitments. I don’t want a boring, monotonous office job. Then again, I’m not talented enough to be an actress or an artist or an author or a model or a public speaker. I probably could go to law school. I could be a lawyer or a journalist maybe. But oh my god, screw that. I can’t imagine. I would never be content. I don’t know what to do with my life and normally that bothers me but right now i’m okay with the chaos. I don’t need to know. We are all gonna die anyways, right? I decided yesterday to try and make March an excellent and happy month but I'm already stumbling. I butted heads a little bit with one of my friends today and it put me in a bad mood. But also we're doing events today in track and then I'm going to Petland and to get sushi so really I need to focus on the positive. So here's a couple pictures of things that make me happy :)
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AuthorI'm Jayden, and I really like to talk. Archives
March 2019
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